Counting Down the Days
I can be really selfish when it comes to following my dreams. My past relationships failed because I would always choose my career over the person. I would choose career and success over love in a drop of a hat. That is the kind of girl I am.
When I planned of going here to Singapore in high hopes of living in greener pasture, I did not tell my boyfriend. I intentionally kept this from him until such time I already had an interview and a job offer. I did not bother to ask him how he would feel about it or consult him about my plans. i just laid the plans on a plate after it’s cooked and simply expected him to eat.
Truth be told, albeit being scared of what his reaction might be, I was prepared to lose him. I just thought that since in the past the ending would always have me losing love, this time would be no different. I was prepared to take on the heartache and just go follow my dream should he ever ask me to choose between staying home and going away.
But he never asked me to choose. I knew he was upset. I knew he was sad. I could see it in his eyes and I could hear it in the tone of his voice even if the words I heard were all positive. Heck, it was only when I was on my last week in the PH when I could really get him to open up and talk to me about it. Most of the days, he was evasive, always avoiding the topic when he can. He was in denial that I was going away and leaving him.
At some crazy point I tried going mental on him, pushing him to step on the breaks because I can’t. I’d pick fights with him over the silliest of things. I’d have terrible mood swings and every swing is aimed at him. There are days I would just simply stop talking to him and when asked what’s wrong, I’d blame it all on PMS even if deep down I knew I was just testing him. I did all these because I was sold on the idea that long distance relationships never really work so why prolong the agony? I thought we would break up anyway so might as well break up then.
Still, he wouldn’t let go. I stopped being crazy when he told me “breaking up is never an option.” At that point, I knew he was with me no matter how much my decision was hurting him.
So now, 5 months after, he’s finally coming here - for good. While I know his bigger reason for coming here is his family, a part of the reason is still me.
I feel guilty for somehow making him take such a big move. He has never lived away from his home before. He has a job wherein his bosses adore him, his colleagues love him - a workplace that has become his extended family. He has great friends whom he hangs out with from night till morning and a lifestyle that is easy and fun. And now I’m taking him away from all these and throwing him into something unfamiliar to him, making him start everything all over again. - From building a career for himself here to finding friends in a foreign land. He has everything in the Philippines. And here? It’s just me.
Being here is my dream. NOT HIS. Still, he is decided to share it with me.
I never dreamed it to be possible to have everything your heart desires, but he made it happen. I always thought my life’s story is one where I’d always have to choose between a love and my career. But the story changed when he came along.
I’ve always said that while it’s nice to be swept off my feet, what I want is still something real. I never wanted prince charming because he always to turns out to be a toad in royal clothes. All I wanted was someone who will make a difference. AND HE DID.
So to those who are still wondering why I am madly in love with him, here is your answer: he never let go of my hand since that fateful night in Boracay. He understood that when he held my hand, it was not just my hand that he was holding but my heart.
Thank you for not letting go of me, of us. I love you. :)
